Q and A: DATING ADVICE COLUMN
Q: I consider myself to be a great catch; I have a great job, I’m clever, I have a great body (I used to model swimwear) but I am not meeting the kind of guys that I want to meet. Over the past couple of years I must have met and gone out with over 100 potential boyfriends but they never seem to live up to what I am looking for. I suppose the million dollar question is; WHERE do I go to meet smart, handsome, successful gay men? Marcus
Our speed dating events of course! Just kidding. Well it’s great to see that you are a confident man, sure of what he is looking for. But (and this is a big but) I think you need to turn the spotlight away from the perceived failings of your potential boyfriends and examine what (or who) you are looking for. There are plenty of smart, handsome, successful gay men in London and you don’t have to go too far to meet them, but, this depends on your idea of ‘smart and handsome’. Does that mean a male-model look alike with the career of Donald Trump? Are your expectations set too high? I can confidently say that a clever, solvent, swimware model who wants to find a partner in this town does not stay single for long! Are you honestly saying that not one of those 100 men you dated could make you happy? Not one? Be honest with yourself and see if you can see what the real issue is. Why are you turning away so many potential partners? Is there any fear of commitment lurking around? Is this endless quest for a ‘smart, handsome, successful mate’ just a front to hide something else that’s going on in your subconscious? I realise this may not have been the response you were hoping for but the answer to your million dollar question lies within you.
Q: In one month I will be 35 years old and single. I always thought I would have found the perfect mate by this age. I do go out on the scene, I use internet dating sites and I consider myself good looking but I am just so tired of this game. Is there something I’m missing with this whole gay dating thing?
A: So what happens at 35; you turn into a pumpkin? What’s the difference between 32 and 35? Why are you putting pressure on yourself? Try to chill out as this pressure could make you come accross as desperate or it could be hindering you finding a mate in other ways. It’s also better to be 35 and single and happy than 35 and in a relationship with the wrong person. Lots of gay guys feel as you do, that’s why my book has sold so many copies! But why not consider taking a break from your search? Even that word ‘search’ has a heavy, hard-work connotation to it. Just focus on something else for a few weeks or go on holiday. If you are feeling tired of it all then you are probably not giving the right impression to other potential mates when you meet them. In the mean time, make sure that your life has plenty of other, interesting, enjoyable stuff going on too and that finding this ideal man is not your sole focus. Try to make new friends or start new hobbies. Could you maybe revamp your online dating profile if it isn’t attracting the kind of guys you want? Without talking to you or knowing exactly what you are doing, that’s the best advice I can give. Hope it helps!
Q: I recently started talking to this guy that my friend kind of hooked me up with. I thought he was really cute! So I was kind of excited when my friend arranged for us to meet. We only hung out for an hour or so. I ended up being pretty quiet, because I was nervous and shy, and I really regret that. Anyways, we hugged afterwards, and as we were about to get in our cars, he looked at me and told me to hug him again. Cutest thing ever! Later that night he texted me saying he liked meeting me. I thought everything was good, but the next day or two later he sent me this txt: “You’re such a sweetie, you really are. & I want to like you but I honestly just don’t think I’m ever gonna be ready for a relationship… It’s hard to understand but I was physically and so mentally & emotionally abused by my ex. I just have a lot of things I need help on. I’m scared to get hurt its just UGH It’s so frustrating cause I wish you could just see what happened but it always holds me back and I don’t want to hurt you because you DO NOT deserve it. I really want you a part of my life though, and I want to remain talking, I’ve been going to counselling lately and my counsellor even told me that a relationship right now wouldn’t be good for my mental health. I always ignore her but then I meet the guy and I just freak out because I know you are WAY too good for me. And I don’t deserve you. Please don’t be mad and I really am trying my hardest to make you understand without being confused about it but I just need a lot of time to become mentally healthy again and I love being with gay guys because it makes me feel like I belong but I never ever want to commit and I just have to figure it out (but please don’t stop talking to me because I want you to be here for me and I want to be here for you too).”
With this, I was so entirely confused. I guess what I’m getting to asking is, what you think this txt means. Is he not interested in me, and this is his way of saying that, or is he trying to get me to “fight for him”? It’s been driving me crazy to know, and I’m in dire need to know. I really like this guy, his advice about coming out lead me to come out like 8 people in a span of 4 days. So please let me know what you think!
A: No, he is not trying to get you to fight for him. In fact for someone you met just for an hour, he is being remarkably open and honest with you (maybe too much). This is one of those situations where warning lights should start going off in your head. The guy has big problems; he can’t commit, his councillor says he is not ready for a relationship, he lacks self-worth and he has confirmed all that in writing! So there is no chance of anything happening here and, even if it did, it would not work out. The writing is literally on the wall here, so don’t try to read anything else into it; any hope of a potential relationship with this person should be extinguished now. When we really like somebody, sometimes we pretend not to see the reality right under our nose.
It seems you made a good impression on him (but again, one hour is not enough to know somebody) and he wants to remain friends with you but you have to think about whether this would work for you or not. If you are attracted to him and want to be with him as a lover then it will take a long time to adjust to friendship and the process may be a bitter pill to swallow.
So my advice is to see the positive in this situation. This guy did like you; you are obviously attractive/ charming/ intelligent enough to impress a stranger in one hour. He may not be the one for you but don’t feel rejected or let that affect your self-confidence; in fact it should give you a boost. Secondly, if this person gave you the confidence to come out to 8 people, then that’s also great. Lastly, I would say learn from this and don’t get so excited about someone you have met for just an hour, no matter how attractive or perfect you think they are. During such a short time you would be judging each other’s looks, body language and engaging in fairly superficial conversation. One hour does not tell you anything about long term compatibility. You would have to see someone for at least a few weeks to know whether you want to start anything serious with them. Running in too fast to a relationship will end in tears. You said you felt nervous and shy at this meeting, so there’s something you can focus on next time; trying to get your head in a calm place before your next date. Feeling shy is normal and dating is like anything else in life; the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Good luck!
Q: Seven months ago I started chatting to this guy on grindr. As you would expect, I was simply looking for some no strings fun with him. Our differing schedules though, meant we never got round to it. Instead, we found ourselves regularly chatting on grindr and eventually skype. Despite a failed attempt to meet up a couple of weeks ago, we finally got to see each in the flesh last week. This was at a local bar, where we spent the evening just chatting and flirting. Nothing more came of it though, as we each went home alone. That very same evening, he messaged me on grindr asking me what I honestly thought of him. I was honest and told him I still liked him a lot and was therefore keen to meet up again. His view of me was the same and we are now arranging to spend some time together at the next available opportunity. On the one hand, we have both expressed an interest in taking things to a sexual level. On the other hand though, we have also talked about doing other things together. He does a lot swimming, for instance, and has said several times that I should join him. This excites me a lot, as I feel it suggests he’s potentially seeing me as more than a random guy from grindr. I couldn’t be happier at thinking this may be the case, as I like him a lot and want to get to know him better. This is with the view of starting a relationship with him should things go well. However, there two dilemmas that I need to get my head around. This is where you come in…
1) Since chatting to him, he has started a relationship with someone else.
2) He has often stated that nothing more than friendship/ fun can happen between us because he feels the age gap is too large; he is currently 32, whilst I am 21. This though, is always followed with him fantasising about what would be if I was older. This always involves a relationship with me.
Any advice on how best to deal with this situation would be greatly appreciated.
A: So you say that you want to get to know him with a view to staring a relationship but this man has clearly told you that you are too young for him and he is already with somebody else. They are two flashing red lights which are a sign for you not to take this any further. The fact that you say he ‘fantasises’ about being with you is another sign that this notion has no place in his reality; it is nothing more than a fantasy. When we really want someone and we are convinced that they are the one for us, we often pretend we don’t see these warning signs, or pretend that they are small issues, easily overcome. Save yourself a lot of time and trouble and move on.
The fact he invited you swimming doesn’t really mean that much; don’t try to read too much into that. It could either be that he would like to start a friendship with you or he would like to have sex with you – which would mean him cheating on his new partner, which in turn would lead to you not being able to trust him if something did develop, (which is probably won’t) and if you see him as a potential partner and he sees you as a f*** buddy then this will end up with you getting hurt.
You deserve to be with a man who wants to be with you and get to know you! Not some guy who needs convincing that that you are old enough for him or that he should dump someone else for you.
There are plenty of guys who would like to start something serious with you out there, regardless of your age or anything else for that matter; this person is not one of them though.
Now get back on grindr (which doesn’t not necessarily have to be about looking for sex; remember there are ‘relationship/ friendship’ options on the profile) or whatever other site you use and forget this guy.
Q: I am a 21 year old who has a long dating history for 8 years and I am totally comfortable with my sexuality. I had long relationships before but I realised my last ex-boyfriend was the one I want to be with. He is 25 years old. I met him back in December 2013, and we ended in bad terms. He recently started to date someone else but I would do anything to win him back. I really need your sincere advice on dealing with this subject. Normally I am the one who left in a relationship. But this time is just another story. I am looking forward to hearing from you. thanks,
A: The first thing that springs to mind (and I truly do not want to sound patronising) is that you are still only 21 years old. You don’t have to make any decisions about who is ‘the one’ and (although you probably heard this before) you have many years in front of you where you will change your ideas many times about this ‘one’ person. What you find attractive now will not be the same as what you find attractive in 5 or 10 years time; our perspectives change due to our life experiences. You may even look back at this man and think ‘wow, lucky escape because if I hadn’t broken up with him then I never would have got to meet X who is even better! It’s great that you have been dating for 8 years though, that’s great experience which will enable you to build strong relationships and have a mature outlook.
So what are you options here? Firstly you could try to ‘win’ him back. But, this is going to be difficult if he is a) already with someone new and b) you ended on bad terms. So you could try to send a heartfelt letter, serenade him under his balcony or sweep him off his feet. What you want to avoid doing is looking desperate because that is a big turn off. You have to give him the impression that life is going great, you are satisfied and successful and it would be cool to hang out but you are not desperately waiting for him to come back to you. You also want to avoid standing there waiting for him, showing you are forever available in case he wants to come back. One of the main things you need to do (as you say it ended badly) is too completely forgive him whatever you think he did and 100% take the blame yourself. You have to put the arguments to bed once and for all or you will never be able to move forward. You have to be the bigger, more mature person here but I mean really forgive him; you may need to spend some time on that, there is no point just pretending. That may be the best chance you have to get back with him. Of course, the decision is his; maybe he just doesn’t want to get back with you and that is something you need to come to terms with even before you attempt this. Your life will not be over if that’s the case. You said you are the one who normally finishes your relationships so maybe you have to learn to deal with this kind of rejection for the first time, which will be good for you. Another thought, would you still want him back if he hadn’t already met someone else? Do you think part of the reason is that he is with someone else? Is there any jealousy fuelling your desires here?
So the second option (my preferred way) is to get out and enjoy your life to the full, do the stuff you enjoy and meet as many people as possible. Go on dates, sign up for Tindr, go to parties; have fun! Have you thought of going travelling? Getting away from the situation for a while to get some perspective? Many more guys will come along and you will forget him in a couple of months; I promise. Forget the idea of ‘the one’ as there are many suitable partners for you who have many different qualities and characteristics. And you know what else? When you are completely over him, he may well show up in your life again all by himself and if not, you may be with someone even better.
Q: I am 22 year old and have been seeing a guy who I find interesting, witty and smart. He is not that type of person that I would normally be attracted to, but his first line on Grindr was good so we developed from there. We had couple of dates, and my feelings grew stronger and stronger each time. The problem is, when he messaged me on Grindr, his profile showed that his age was 31, and I thought that’s he’s got the 31 year old look, but when I finally asked about his age, he said he’s 41. I was really shocked, though none of us expressed any intention to be in a long-term relationship, I am genuinely looking for one. If that’s the case, I then cannot picture myself in the next 20 years, as we all will end up in different stages of our lives.
Do you think that age disparity matters? My friends (gay, bi-, straight) all said that it could be difficult, some even suggested me to pull off. But again, none of them are experienced with relationships (they are around my age group). So, I am not really sure. Also, he’s got his own business, and financially well-off, and I am only a student, when we hanged out, I intended to pay for my share most of the times, but I fear that in the long term, our financial imbalance could be a problem as well.
He’s definitely like me, he remembers every single detail of our conversations (whether it’s online or offline), and we shared some very personal detail with others (career, life and sexual experience). But he also vaguely mentioned that he was not sure about commitment, he is very experienced, in terms of sex and relationships. We did have some intimate actions (e.g. sharing food) but no further during our third date. So am I just happened to be in one of the stereotypical situations – sugar daddies are looking for young partner or ‘mates’? Though he’s physically fit (his body type is toned and relatively good-looking and very popular in Asia.
As we both based in Leeds, but his business requires him to travel to other countries quite a lot, and my university will be ended in one year, after that I am not sure whether I wanted to stay in the UK.
Sometimes we will have conversations in a flirty way, but still, nothing happened between beyond that. So my question is: should I just distant myself from this, just be friends with him? I am really not sure about this as this is my first serious dating experience. I am afraid that if I let the opportunity slips away, then I will not be able to find another in the future.
A: Sometimes it’s good to get an outsider’s opinion on a situation you are closely involved in. So you have told me:
• You met on an app which is for sex.
• You both agreed to meet for fun – a relationship was not even mentioned.
• He lied about his age.
• He is not sure about commitment with you.
• He is not the type you go for.
• You are having doubts about being with him in 20 years.
• You are not sure you will both be in the same county in the future.
Even without considering the age gap, you have 7 big issues staring you right in the face there. Age differences are not always a problem when two individuals both want the same thing and are clear from the start. The situation would be easier if you had a profile on the app saying you were looking for a bf (possibly older than you) and he had a profile saying he was looking for a younger bf and wanted to commit. When you met for a date (not sex), the situation would have been clear and there would be no confusion. You would both know what the other one is looking for, so it would just be a case of seeing if you fit. The situation you find yourself in now is one of uncertainty and confusion and that is not a place you can build anything on.
I can’t tell you what to do. If you want to have fun with this person, then go along for the ride. Explain to him your financial concerns and see what he says. But it may be difficult for you to not become attached if you’re already starting to like him. One thing I will say is don’t be with him because you are scared of not being able to find someone else in the future – that’s not the right reason. You are young and I am sure you will have other opportunities to meet potential mates. Maybe you could work on your self confidence and make lists of all your positive traits and qualities.
However, I would advise you to be clear about what you are looking for when you use any dating app – if you want a bf, then be true to yourself so you don’t stumble into a half-hearted relationship with someone who is not really looking for one. Although it’s possible to meet a bf on Grindr, most people are on that app for sex, so consider using Tinder or looking around at other apps and websites so you don’t waste time or get disappointed. You met him without any intention of forming a relationship so it’s not really fair to suddenly spring that on him – that was never part of the deal from the very start. Good luck.
Q: I am having great difficulty in accepting constant rejection in my internet dating ‘career’, and my speed dating made me feel intensely self-conscious of my age and my value of myself as someone who may look ridiculous in my hope for meeting someone who could eventually form an intimate relationship with. I’m really quite depressed at the moment. I’ve been through this so many times. If I had the strength of will, I would accept my singleness and put all romantic thoughts out of my head. I don’t know what to do. I’m 58 and single.
A: From your short email there are a few things which stand out to me.
So you are looking for a mate, which is fine, but making a ‘career’ out of it (I know that’s just your choice of words but I think may point to something deeper) sounds like it’s no longer enjoyable or serving you very well. The way you are currently approaching this is not working, so it’s time to look at this in a different way. Try to think of dating as just having fun with new people now and then: some drinks, a meal, conversation, let it flow and enjoy the moment with that person. Why? Because you will come across as a relaxed, fun, chilled out person who is great to spend time with rather than someone who is desperately searching. And what is a relationship? What’s at the heart of a good relationship? Fun! Enjoying the presence/ company/ humour/ conversation of another person. You don’t have to label anything as a relationship or a date etc etc just keep coming back to the moment and making sure it’s fun. Will you see this person again? Doesn’t matter as long as I’m having fun now. Will this be the love of my life? Doesn’t matter just enjoy the moment.
I also see you used words such difficulty, depression: none of this is helping you to attract a mate, in fact it’s probably projecting the wrong image to potential mates and scaring them off. From this moment on, amend the vocabulary you are using: no more crisis/ desperation/ depression to describe your love life. Stop beating yourself up! Everyone goes through rough patches from time to time. Take it easy on yourself. Can you put this into context? You are a successful man, I am sure. You are healthy. You say you have wonderful friends. What else is wonderful in your life? You need to see the whole picture here and not focus on the one thing that is not going to plan in your experience. What I want to say is that when you are happy as a single man leading a satisfying, fulfilling, interesting, fun life then you are a much more attractive proposition than in your current state to any potential suitors. Imagine you meet a guy who wants to start a relationship with you because he feels you will fill a gap he has, fill a void and act as a plaster to pull things together. Imagine this person says they are so unhappy and really need someone to correct that and make them happy. How would you feel about that? It’s a tall order and would put pressure on you as well as possibly making you want to run a mile because he sounds a bit desperate. That is what you want to avoid. People want to be with happy, balanced people/ partners Be a happy person (or a happy dater) who wants to meet people and have fun but you don’t need anyone to complete you or your life as this is what could trip you up. You need to find a way to be happy and single before dating anyone else. Stop dating people until you truly feel content about your life and you don’t need anyone to make you happy because you are already happy. That is the perfect situation: if you do meet someone then they will compliment your wonderful life rather than fill any voids.
Saying you feel like you may look ridiculous and that you feel self-conscious demonstrates a lack of self-confidence. There are many self-help books which will help you with that but, again, whatever you feel on the inside often gets projected when you meet others. I very much doubt that anyone you meet sees you as ridiculous and you need to find a way to get those unhelpful voices out of your head. Men and women over the age of 50 don’t just curl up and die. Divorce rates have never been higher than today; thousands of older people are forced to pick themselves up and get out there to meet new people. You don’t have to put romance out of your head. How you are looking for men to date may have to be revisited, ie what sites/ apps you are using to ensure you are connecting with the age range you want to meet. I hope this helps.
Q: Hello, i recently got to know this guy at a gathering.. i have a very good feeling and i really like him, the way he talks just sweeps me off the ground etc.. but he said this to me when i asked if there was a chance between us. “Actually, I don’t know, we haven’t hung out enough yet. There is still stuff i need to figure out on my own, whether i wanna date now or what not, so IF i’m not ready, i hope you understand’. But in the meantime we can be friends”.. Do you think there is still a chance? Although he said this, we have been talking everyday for a week and so on.. Much thanks!
A: When you like someone, your heart skips a beat, you feel excited, nervous and if they show any interest back then you jump at the chance to go for a drink or to go on a date etc. When someone says to you: I don’t know, there’s stuff I need to figure out etc, this is not a good sign. They don’t want to be direct and hurtful by telling you that you are not their type, but in this case it seems he would like to be friends with you as you are talking everyday.
The other point I want to mention is when you do meet someone you like, saying something like: is there any chance between us sounds a bit heavy and may scare him away, even if he is interested in you. It’s good that you want to clarify the situation but he is right to say you haven’t hung out enough to even ask that question. You are effectively putting him on the spot and demanding an anwer right there and then when a better approach would be to laugh, joke around, have fun and mention that you’d really like to exchange phone numbers as you would love to catch up some time. Do you feel how different that sounds? It’s more casual, relaxed and less demanding. If he agrees, then you partly have your answer: yes there is a chance. But even on those second and third dates, keep the atmosphere fun and don’t try to get any specific response from him. Dating is about having fun with someone, so just let it flow and see what happens.
So become friends with this guy and, although you don’t want to live in false hope, who knows what may happen? Good luck.
Q: I am a 37 year old gay male. My issue stems from the dating scene. I am three years out of a relationship with a very emotionally abusive partner, a time in my life that it took me considerable time to rebuild after. Over the past couple of years I have been going on to dating apps in the hope of meeting somebody for something substantial.
However what I have noticed on these apps is virtually every time I message a guy on them I am met with rejection. I have been told that I am a very attractive guy and I got a lot of attention when I was younger and it has also been said of me that I am very confident and charismatic, with a presence that fills a room. But on these apps there is pretty much nothing but rejection. It genuinely has affected my confidence and has me questioning my attractiveness,as shallow as that may sound. I really am at a loss as to what to do. I generally don’t go out and I don’t frequent the scene, partly because I find that it’s not for me and partly for fear of bumping into my ex. I am something of a workhorse in terms of what I do and despite my confidence and apparent charisma I have never met anybody through work either, which is the area of my life that I would primarily occupy. Do you have any advice to offer?
A: After a couple of years back on the singles market, you’ve probably realised that gay men are meeting each other primarilly on mobile phone apps. The age of physicaly going out to search for a mate in a gay venue seem to be long gone. So, I would not worry about feeling that the gay scene is not for you. On the other hand, don’t avoid it because of fear of bumping into your ex either – it’s always good to have another avenue to try. At some stage you will probably bump into him somewhere, so you need to find a way to deal with that and get on with your life.
So like it or loathe it, we are stuck with apps. You didn’t say whether the rejection you faced was through others
messaging you or real life meetings? If its the former, then you could get better photos of yourself to make you come accross better. If this rejection from others was in real life, that’s harder to deal with but as a 37 year old it’s something else you need to come to terms with. You will not be everyone’s type and so what? Think about how you deal with rejection in your work life? Is it the same issue there or could you use techniques from work in your personal life to deal with these feelings? Also, what is the negative feedback you are receiving? Is there anything you could learn from or improve? For example if several guys told you that you needed a haircut or you looked scruffy or old fashioned – that would be easy to fix.
There are also different types of gay dating aps. There’s no point trying to find a non-sex date on Grindr, you would be wasting your time as that’s the whole point of that particular app. There are more non-sexual
date apps like Tindr, Planet Romeo, OKcupid or even Scruff where people are not necessarily out for a quick shag.
So try some different apps.
The problem with typing into a mobile app is that you cannot show your charisma – it’s just text. You can’t even
see the expression of the person you are communicating with. So you may want to consider an organised dating event where you could meet like minded men. A quick Google search will show you what’s on offer in your area.
Q: I “met” a guy and we messaged back and forth, the messages were super cute, they were funny and full of banter. So we arranged to meet up, which was fantastic.The first date on Thursday was amazing, prior to that the texting was equally amazing. They were funny, they were cute, they were a little flirty, but they felt natural. He added kisses to the texts, after I did.
The date however was just amazing, we went for lunch and had a fantastic laugh, we went around the shops and again had a fantastic laugh, then went for drinks and it just felt so good. We sat, we laughed, he abused me whilst I pretended to be upset by it. He then put his legs under my chair, meaning I had to put mine to the side, until I decided to put mine between his, at which point he put his legs closer together, meaning they were right against my leg. At one point I was going to go to the bar for a drink and said I couldn’t be bothered. He then used his legs to drag my leg back under the table. At the end of the date, we stood up and looked in the mirror because I was joking about him clearly being a little shorter than me. We walked to the train station, and he sent me a text while I was on the train saying “I like you” and was expecting me to kiss him, I told him I didn’t assume he was interested, and he said he was and playing with my leg wasn’t something someone did it they weren’t interested. The second date, we went to Starbucks for a drink, then walked to his flat for lunch and to watch tv shows. We lay on his bed, and watched the show. Then he snuggled up beside me and it just felt so right, eventually he slept on my shoulder, and eventually his head was on my chest, with his arm around my neck as he stroked the back of my neck. He walked me to the train station, and I gave him a hug. However he later texted saying he was thinking about it and decided it would be best to just be friends, and he says it has nothing to do with me. But I can’t quite get things to connect properly.
Reasons I can think of: a)Age gap: on the first date he thought I was only 2-3 years older than him. But when I corrected him he said it was fine, however on the second date he mentioned something about wearing a kilt when I decide to get married. As if he was trying to suss out my intentions. b) Demons: he hinted on the first date about his father being abusive, and how he was kicked out the house at 18. Perhaps he is worried about getting involved due to situations in the past. c) His feelings: perhaps he does have strong feelings for me, but he didn’t expect them and suddenly he feels unsure how to deal with them.
A: You didn’t say exactly what the age gap was. Sometimes it doesn’t matter and sometimes it’s glaringly obvious for either the older or younger partner that this could never work. While some gay men are looking exclusively for younger partners and this is what floats their boat, others will not want to be with someone who earns less than them or who doesn’t have their own place etc.
Any jokes about height are not a good idea as it’s something that can often touch a nerve and offend, even if it seems it was taken as a joke. Who knows why he said that, you will probably never know as he probably doesn’t want to hurt you by telling you.
The text messages you received may have seemed cute and funny but how much sentiment really goes into a text message and can you really tell what someone thinks or feels from reading a text? Unlike hearing their voice or talking face to face, you cannot tell if the other person is messaging you out of boredom, if they are texting you on the sofa next to their husband or if they are playing some twisted game. So my advice is not to get too excited about sms and chats. Same thing with a first date – even if you think it went amazingly well, don’t get too excited as we can easily misconstrue others intentions and actions. Did he press his legs against you because he felt it was love at first sight? Was he just horny? Did that actually mean anything at all to him? You can’t tell the first time you meet him.
Your second date with someone, who is still essentially a stranger, should not involve you laying on his bed hugging! It’s too much. You still don’t know each other enough for intimacy. You have rushed it! The first few dates should be drinks/ dinner but not hugging in bed- no matter how attractive you find each other. There may be a great connection but, as you said, you don’t know about his past issues. You cannot be sure you want to be with someone you don’t even know. That second meeting should have been talking, conversation, asking questions to get to know and understand each other a bit more.
It’s not your fault , in an age where both straight and gay people are meeting through their smart phones after a brief chat, nobody knows how to ‘date’ anymore, its almost like a lost language. Especially gay men, where there is so much emphasis on sex and body image being bombarded at us from the gay media and phone apps. If you had just met on that second time for a walk in the park or a drink in Starbucks, then he sent that text – you would not be feeling so down now. All the hugging and false intimacy, which felt so right yet was not real has made the comedown worse for you.
Of course you can learn from this. Next time, don’t rush to his bedroom, either for sex or hugging. Don’t read too much into sms messages and actions such as him pressing his leg against you. At the end of the day they don’t mean anything as your experience has proved – you’re now sitting there alone wondering why this and why that, just chill out. Enjoy the moment with someone and make sure you meet them a few times before making any decisions about wanting to be with them. And if it doesn’t work out? Move on, there is no point in analysing everything he said. You will drive yourself mad. There are plenty other guys out there who do want to go out with you, so (with my advice in mind) go and find ’em!
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